kris_tee_nah

I was young, I was dumb
I was just too cool
I was loud and obnoxious
I was just that fool

Loved money, loved lust
Loved me, loved greed
No limit to my conscience
Anything to succeed

I was selfish and conceded
Love rage, loved hate
A wannabe thug
A plain disgrace

Your girl did a one-eighty
‘Cuz the Lord got grace
Sometimes I wanna go back
Lemme tell you why I came...

Evolution by Sho Baraka
116 Clique
Reach Records

I'm so frustrated, but I don't know why. So much I need to say but nothing will come out.
Summer. It's supposed to be the greatest and most fun-filled part of the year, right? Why am I not having any fun?

I have absolutely nothing to do. At all. (Nothing even remotely fun, anyway.)
Of course, I read. For some reason, I find it entertaining to read books about girls who are even more messed up than I am. It comforts me somehow. Only thing is, the messed up girl always ends up with the perfect guy who takes all of the pain away and helps the messed up girl to find herself and discover who she truly is inside.

I think I've lied to myself for so long, I don't even know who I am inside anymore. I've lied to myself, my parents, and my friendquaintences. I don't even know if I have any true friends anymore, I've lied them all away. How I wish I could go to sleep and wake up as one of the girls in Sarah Dessen's books. I long to have the happiness that invariably comes at the end of every disney movie and young adult book.

Today is Saturday, and I have nothing to do. Today is Saturday, and nobody was on facebook to talk to. Why? Because they had stuff to do. With friends. I lack that.

Ms. Meng always says that the coolest people you'll meet are the people who are cool with themselves. Well, I'm never cool with myself. Unless I'm making fun of someone. Otherwise, I don't know who I am. It's incredibly hard to be cool with someone you don't know, even if that person happens to be yourself.

I kinda want to just start a tabula rasa this year and come clean about everything horrible I've ever said or done to anybody.
I need to find myself in Christ and not in the world. This, of course, would force me to lose some friends, but seeing as I don't have many "real" friends, only 2... maybe 3...it shouldn't be hard for me to do this. My family and I are all completing a year long bible reading plan. I'm pretty excited about it. Hopefully I'll become closer to Christ through all of this mess.

In the meantime, though, I just wish I had a group to fit in with. Let's be honest. I'm an oddball. I'm not pretty enough for the rebecca-mindy-yuli-parys-otherrebecca club. I'm not asian enough nor am i smart enough for the kristen-david-wendi-aveline club. And I'm not popular enough for the matthew/tyrone-duncan-rustin-brandon club. I'm a lone floater for the time being.

Blah. My mind is a little clearer now, but not much. It's like I'm the main attraction at a press conference. Too much information flashing through too quickly to be comprehendible.

Hah. My writing is all over the place. Good thing nobody reads this.

I want a boyfriend. Almost to the point of needing one. And because of this want/need (neent? waneed? neewant?) I know this would be the worst time to try and get one. Fact is, though I may not show it, my self esteem is below zero. I guess that's what I get for hanging around really pretty people (angela, ivory, mallory, allynn, and the band girls). I honestly don't like what I see in the mirror anymore. I need to find a way to actually posses the confidence that is part of my facade.

I think I'm done now... I guess... Lemme go read my bible. (Seriously. No sarcasm there.)

I'm in love with a higher love.

P.S. I wish I could write as eloquently as Kristen does, even when she isn't trying...

I think that's from Jimmy Neutron. Whenever he had a fantasmic, awesomerific, grandtacious idea, he called it a Brian Blast.

So. Senior year is quickly approaching. A senior year necessity for girls at Bellaire High School is senior overalls. I think the 6 senior girls in band (Mindy, Me, Yuli, Aveline, Kristen, Lauren. Tell me if I'm missing anybody.) should have a senior overalls sleepover type thingamajig sometime in August. Here's how it would go:

• Band Camp Ends
• We all go to hobby lobby and pick out things for the overalls then split the bill
• We go to my house (unless somebody else wants to volunteer) 
• We order pizza and stay up late making senior overalls
• We go to sleep
• We wake up and go to band camp! 

How does that sound?

Has anyone else tried to start reading this nonsense yet? I wish we didn't have to read Things Fall Apart. I really do. Too bad my wishes don't come true. 

Speaking of things falling apart, let's talk about my life. If I had to choose 3 words to describe what's going on in my life right now, they would be, you guessed it, "Things Fall Apart." In the few short weeks of summer that have passed, I've found those three words to be true as ever. Things Fall Apart. Friendships, fakeships, relationships- they all fall apart. 

Some old dead guy said that what goes up must come down. Bill Nye the Science Guy said that matter is neither created nor destroyed (I'm pretty sure some old dead guy said it first.). Newton said that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. That barely has anything to do with what I'm saying next, but I figured I'd throw it in there just to show off my superior intellect. (Yeah, right.) I've drawn my own ground-breaking conclusion concerning life. When things fall apart, things come together. At first glance, that makes no sense, but hear me out a little bit. While a friendship with one person is falling apart, a friendship with another person comes together, whether or not we realize it. 

So, because of my unreasonably positive optimism, I'm going to accept everything in my life that's falling apart with a huge smile on my face. You know why? Not because things fall apart, but because things come together